I hear about people, artists especially and the fact they “have to paint”, they are “compelled to paint”, that life without paint would cease to have meaning……do you know what I mean? Have you said or heard those words? Well, I am struggling, as I don’t “have to” paint, well, not currently anyway. Its been months (apart from one small piece – Night-swimming, but other than that – its been months since I painted). I literally stopped last October. But now, four months on, it makes me wonder if i have lost my painting mojo (maybe I never really had it?) , or is it all just part of a natural ebb and flow that is normal for artists and creative types? Is four months just a drop in the bucket in the big picture of a life of art and creativity?
I do worry of course, that it’s a “sign”, that i have some how lost my creativity..will it come back? What have I done to lose it? Too stressed? Too distracted? We are complicated beings…Is it that I simply can’t be creative and at the same time focused on other areas of my life that are proving rather challenging at the moment? Maybe.
My own theory for the lack of art and creativity is that I feel like all things are pointing to change, but I can’t quite yet figure out what the change is. I feel like a caterpillar who has turned to mush and doesn’t know yet that it will become a butterfly, but knows it isn’t a caterpillar any more…does that sound strange?
The change is coming. I sense its arrival like rain threatening in the distance. I wonder if I will like it? Will I be the instigator of the change or will it be circumstances out of my control that bring it about, or a cumulation of multiple factors that just point toward a logical, sensible change? Will it be a good, life affirming, filled to the brim with happiness ind of change, or an “Oh my God, what have I done” kind of change? Will it be thrust upon me (by others decisions or actions), chosen deliberately, or accepted begrudgingly, resisted or welcomed with open arms? I don’t know, but I sense it drawing nearer….I feel excited and scared too. And after along period of drought, I am ready with open arms, for the rain to come.